We are off again with the Pro- EU camp listing another slew of engaging, genuine and thought provoking reasons why membership of the EU is a good thing. I think they are nearly winning me over.
There are just so many positive reasons to stay in the EU that have been listed by the pro-EU groups, I can hardly write an argument against it.
I jest of course. No compelling benefits to speak of, just the usual end of the world, post Brexit bullshit that is boring the country to tears.
Today “British Influence”, a pro-EU organisation launched in September, gave the usual claims of economic catastrophe, but then also said that Brexit would endanger the Northern Ireland peace process.
After I had recovered from spitting tea out through my nose and laughing like a Hyena at lunchtime, I tried to envisage the land that pro-EU membership organisations would have us believe Brexit would now entail.
Gather round, let me tell you a story….
Its January 4th 2018, 4 days since the FUK (Formerly United Kingdom) voted unanimously to leave the EU.
A lone figure stands atop of number 10 Downing Street. Dressed in a Union Jack suit (a poor choice given recent events), complete with plastic bowler hat, the new Prime Minister of FUK, Boris Johnson, zip-lines down to the media podium situated in the street. He will be giving his live televised speech to calm the populace about recent events that have happened post Brexit.
His appointment as PM was created after David Cameron had to resign due to successfully leading the Brexit campaign because no leaders in Europe would agree to sign up to demands that were already in place.
You have to feel sorry for Cameron, his plan to lead the campaign and therefore scupper it from the inside backfired massively, when it turned out everyone hated the spoon-faced pig botherer so much, that 99.9% of the population voted for us to leave.
Anyway, Boris has a tall order ahead of him. His first 4 days in office have been the most terrible time for the people of FUK.
Immediately after the result was announced, Nicola Sturgeon declared Scotlands last referendum invalid, and demanded a new one. No-one could be bothered to drag out such a forgone conclusion, so they were just given their independence.
Seeing weakness after Scotland had been set free, the Republic of Ireland successfully invaded and annexed Northern Ireland. England and Wales would have been able to fend them off, if it were not for a couple of military disasters
Firstly a year ago, our 4 remaining aircraft were destroyed in Syria after being shot down by Turkey for violating “its airspace” on the Eastern side of Iraq.
Secondly the military was bogged down in England and Wales fighting a massive terrorist insurgency, created instantly by FUK leaving the European Union. They did warn us, so no-one complains too much. Stiff upper lip and all that.
Of course we could have asked for help, but since leaving the European Union we are, for reasons unknown to anyone, no longer part of NATO, so no-one gives a fuck about the FUK.
A day later Wales sees the writing on the wall and declares itself an independent country. Thus leaving the new state of FUK on its own separated from the rest of the world.
Genuinely separated by the way, not just figuratively. You see, it seems the papers were correct each time they conflated the term “EU” with “Europe”, as the country now known as FUK has somehow broken free from the continent and is drifting through the Atlantic.
Boris is addressing a broken nation. Several million people were made unemployed in what was referred to as “Black Brexit Friday”. The EU having immediately refused to trade with FUK at all. Of course, this created the same situation in most EU countries due to the trade deficit FUK ran with the EU and economies were crashing all over the place, but that didn’t come into the equation.
To make economic matters worse, The USA have refused to enter into a free trade agreement, meaning we can’t even sell to Uncle Sam. The FUK had said it was ok, they were happy with a deal paying tariffs, just as they did when part of the EU, but the USA were adamant, its a free trade agreement or nothing.
The final nail in the economy was the downgrading of FUKs credit rating from its coveted AAA rating to DDD. This had nothing to do with recent events, the downgrade was implemented before the vote, when the polls indicated the “remain” campaign would win comfortably, and therefore everyone knew they had already lost and Brexit was a certainty.
They didn’t give any reason as to the downgrade. A representative for Moody’s just did it because he didn’t want his prediction in the Guardian to be wrong.
Lastly the FUK had immigration off the scale since Brexit. After so long not being in control of its borders, officials had no clue what to do, so they just abolished borders entirely. Exactly 10,000,000 people had come the the great country of FUK before it separated itself from the continent, and the infrastructure could no longer cope. This caused the great headline from The Sun “What the Fuck, FUK?“
It wouldn’t have been so bad if there were people leaving the FUK, but the 10 million figure was NET. Only one person had managed to leave the country since Brexit, (as it was hard to get flights or boats from an island that constantly moved), and that was Nigel Farage, who moved to his house in France to get away from all the lunacy and back to the European Union where they had much more “common sense”.
Boris approached the microphone and opened his mouth to speak to the nation, his hair wafting in the breeze. But no words could come out. What could he say? We were warned these things would happen, and we just didn’t listen.
So he opted not to say anything, he just jumped on his Unicorn and trotted back into number 10. Immediately after, number 10 was incinerated by the dragons who had been awakened from their million year slumber by Brexit.
No-one knows what the future holds for the country, But because they didn’t listen, because they voted Brexit, they are well and truly FUKed.